"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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