My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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