me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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