no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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