OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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