well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
