if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
