i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
