Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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