you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Success! We fucked roommates!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
