Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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