the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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