Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
