im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
