Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
