Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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