I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
