I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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