I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
