My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
