I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel like a drive thru vagina
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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