Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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