So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
