I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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