i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
