They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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