Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Found the puke drawer
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
