Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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