well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
