Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
