it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
