I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
