It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
