Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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