Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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