also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
