i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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