He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Sober January is a disaster.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
