why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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