I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
