You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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