i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
