He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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