He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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