one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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