Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
