genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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