Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
