A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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