fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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