its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
