hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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