So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
