just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We need to rekindle our bromance
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize