1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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