This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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