So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize