Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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