I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
