hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just high enough for therapy.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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