Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
