I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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