HIV tests are more positive than that guy
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
