I just threw up on my dentist
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
