I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
