i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
