i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
