FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
