So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
