I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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