i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
